So I did it yet again today. I went to church. I went, knowing that I was going to be ignored and unwelcome. I go nearly every week. (I've missed the last 2 because we've had swine flu in our house.) It's never been easy. I used to look forward to the small glimmer of light I got every week at church. Now, I'm sorry to say that I don't look forward to it. I really dread it. I've been divorced now over a year.
That's when there was a big change. People went from talking to me in the hallways to ignoring me even if I do say hello. (Not all people, but more than a dozen. More than two dozen for that matter.)
I've tried to stay positive, laughing about it and saying that at least I know who my real friends are. That's the truth, my real friends have stuck by me. They've come and talked to me themselves when they've heard rumors, they've been great. It's those others that make me dread Sundays. It doesn't make it hurt any less when I speak to people who once acted as if they were my friend, and they look at me and without any sort of response, walk off.
It's so hard to be divorced, let alone divorced and mormon. It's like having the word "Loser" tatooed to your forehead. It's rough. There's the initial response that you get from everyone "What happened?" (which is none of their business!)
To a random judgement. I'm not sure if it's because I moved on and remarried quickly, or if they just resent me for recognizing that I was never going to be happy in my current situation. I really don't understand what exactly the problem is...but I know that I don't like it.
I really thought I would have the love and support of my ward. It is really hard to go through a divorce. It's not something you can explain in words. It's also even harder to blend a family. Those who haven't been there, will never truly understand what a hard journey that is.
There are a few individuals who have been very sweet, but on the most part, I feel abandoned.
I believe in the church with all of my heart. I know it's true. That's why I keep going. Why I get up Sunday and mentally prepare for what I am going to have to go through. I wish it could be different. I just keep trucking a long, and maybe some day it will be. I hope it will.
that's all, just had to vent a little.
3 comments:
Oh Lauralee... I am so so so sorry you have to go thru that! That is not in any way how it should be... you know that, of course, but it sucks all the same! I just want you to know that I LOVE you tons and I am here if you need to talk or anything! You are an amazing woman and if people are too stupid to see it they are surely MISSING OUT!
Consider yourself hugged! Love you guys!
Hi Lauralee,
I finally got with it and joined blogspot; you were one of the first people that I added. Sigh, after reading this entry I have to say that in the overall scheme of things, people in general have a tendency to be narrow-minded about things they don't understand.
Please remember that the Church isn't gossiping cliques of mentally trained women that alienate you or look at you like you're a parasite because you went through a divorce; that is just a small, meaningless percentage. The important thing is God knows who you are and loves you.
I am very careful who I open up to these days, because if I reveal to certain church people about my upbringing, they either think that I'm lying because of how normal I seem, or they begin to treat me delicately, like a wilting flower.
Just hang onto what you know, and keep those that truly love you and matter to you close. God knows your struggles, because He was with you through them, and He knows the desires of your heart.
You're awesome. Ignore the ignorant weirdos, they don't matter in the scheme of things. ; )
Lauralee,
I've been reading through some of your posts to get updated on your situation and stuff.
I am so sorry your ward is like this! My ward has been SO awesome and they are all totally on my side. That may be because they only knew TheEx for a few months before he started taking jobs that kept him away from church. Anyway, I know this post is old, but I hope it improves or you find a good ward!
What about your wedding? Is your husband a member? I'm having a crisis of faith, and I'm not sure where I'll end up. But I'm no longer convinced that I need to marry in the temple or even marry a member. I was just wondering what your perspective was on that.
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